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It feels like I blinked and a year passed by.  A year with probably fifteen half-finished blog posts, and nothing to show for words being published here.  Truthfully?  It’s been a little bit of a rollercoaster year.  I have wrestled with my identity this year in a new way.  I have laid down some of my greatest dreams (ahem, writing) to be present with my kids—all three of them.  That’s right, our little Leo has joined the clan seamlessly.  He’s the perfect third child—laid back and sweet as can be.  And he has really rolly thighs—bonus!  Seriously, we’re smitten.  I’m tired, but what else is new? 

And tonight, I’m home alone with a messy kitchen (flies and all because the kids can’t seem to remember to close the screen door) and a new playlist accompanying the clicks of my keyboard.  As I type, I’m embarrassed to say my heart is pounding a little harder than normal because I just “performed” some old contemporary dance moves around the hardwood floors of my kitchen and dining room, stringing them together like it was yesterday that I moved in unison with my team in studio.  I even pointed my toes, you guys.  Ha!  Also, I’m thirty. So, I’m pretty sure it all wasn’t very cute.  Anyhow, I’m alone because Gabe is on his first new-job work trip to Zambia.  My husband’s dream job came ten years earlier than we ever could have imagined, and we’re so grateful God brought us out here. 

Tomorrow is our eighth wedding anniversary, and I’m humiliated that it took 365 days to write here again; here on this place that has helped me to see into my soul and hear God’s voice speak through my feeble words.  I read my post from last year, and tears welled in my eyes as I was transported back to one year ago.  A year ago it felt like there were so many hard years and months and moments that were strung together for Gabe and I.  We were fighting one another while simultaneously fighting hard to hold a tight grip to our vows.  We won.  If I could call this year anything, I’d call it redemptive. 

 I learned a lot this year about marriage.  I learned that when my emotions are riding waves of hormones in a new and difficult way, my husband gets frustrated and annoyed, but also, he loves me enough to tell me something isn’t quite right.  I learned that when he doubts his capability and anxiety mounts, my reassurance reminds him not to sell himself short.  I learned that when we’re not only confronting our kids’ present struggles, but the unseen and often forgotten trauma from the past as well, we can collapse into one another and share our deepest and darkest fears without judgement.  I learned that we’re one, and truly, I’m not whole without him; he is the patience to my quick-temper, the laughter to my stress; he is the simple to my complex; he is the squeeze on my shoulders when I’m carrying the stress of the family and our world there; he is the let-go to my death grip.  I’m some things to him, too, y’all.  I know what you’re thinking—wow, Lindsay’s a wet blanket.  For the record, I’m the “let’s just do it” to Gabe’s “let’s just stay home,” as well as the peace-restorer to his chaos-everywhere. Now that we have that straightened out…I learned that there is an unspoken intimacy found in just being together. 

I have learned through Gabe how to love myself—in the sweetest way I often wonder why he chose me, but I’m humbled and lifted higher because he did.  It’s the most beautiful grace, to feel seen and still loved at your worst.  What a reflection of Christ loving His bride—the broken and messy church; the whole lot of us sinners, wholly undeserving. 

 In this way, marriage, to me, feels so countercultural.  A standing commitment when I am overcome with insecurity?  A standing commitment when I can’t get out of bed in the morning?  A standing commitment when I do what it was I promised I wouldn’t, or when I didn’t do what I promised I would?  A standing commitment when I betray you, when you betray me?  A standing commitment when I deny you?  A standing commitment when I fail you at the moment you need me most?  A standing commitment when I couldn’t disagree more?  A standing commitment when I look and feel different than the day we said, “I do?”  A standing commitment when all of our dreams are shattered or half-baked and broken?  A standing commitment when my body is mangled by surgery or babies or cancer?  A standing commitment when I doubt and when I don’t feel a thing? A standing commitment when you threw it out the window? 

Yes, that.  A standing commitment, but more…love.       even when. 

So I guess, here I am saying it again–marriage is a vow to love in the hard.  And if done right, it’s uncomfortable, sometimes painful, redemptive, challenging, encouraging and hard-fought.   

Anything worth having must be fought for, defended, picked up when dropped, glued back together, and held close with protection.   

Anything worth having is worth dying for—dying to my sharp tongue, dying to my independence, dying to my control, dying to my apathy, dying to my unwillingness to budge in an argument. 

Anything worth having should never be let go of.  Hold tight, friends.  This countercultural phenomenon called marriage has been God’s greatest gift to me, and if you let it, I’m sure it will be for you too. 

Happy 8th year, babe.  So glad it’s you. 

Note:  If your spouse is addicted or violent or abusive verbally, physically or spiritually, this post is not for you.  You do not deserve ever to be hurt.  True love will never lay an unkind hand on you.  Please seek a safe friend, counselor or professional to step into this with you.  You do not need to be alone.